Bluntly, this comes across as you still romanticizing your affair and the feeling of being fought over. You come across as lacking even basic self-awareness.
I think your husband was incredibly stupid to take you back. You (present and past) come across as the bad guy here. Even the way you tell it (unavoidably subject to all the universal human biases of recall and self-image), you only left because Jay wasn't the way you wanted him to be. Your husband served as basically the backup and got the sloppy seconds of his own wife.
I have literally zero sympathy for you in this story over the fact that you went through a breakup, because the dude you broke up with was the dude you were cheating on your husband with and said husband was literally dealing with the fallout of your affair at the time.
It is impossible for me to judge your current relationship or your husband's character over this, but it seems like he let his possessiveness get in the way of his common sense.
I am the bad guy here. I don’t deserve any sympathy. I absolutely put my husband in the role of backup. I had no idea what I wanted and I just went everywhere trying to find it. Young, dumb, immature and fucked up on drugs. My next and final post addresses more points you made in this comment, but I understand if you’re not interested in hearing anymore. Thank you for reading and for allowing me to own my mistakes.
Well I told the story and I owned it. I didn't make a ton of excuses. I made mistakes and the only people that need me to own up to the details are my husband and our families.
Was he insane? Fortunately, hindsight on this is it was the right decision for him to take me back since we've been extremely happily married now for 10 years.
Yes he was totally insane, he's married to a narcissist whose biggest concern about spending literal years deeply betraying and lying to him apart was apparently not that she tore his heart apart but rather that her mother in law might think less of her because he had the temerity to tell her what you'd done.
It's only a matter of time before a) you blow his life up again; or b) he comes to his sense and realises he doesn't have to swallow the deep unhappiness for the rest of his life.
I suspect (and hope for his sake) that the pain he’ll be feeling from seeing your total contempt and disregard for him aired in public for your own personal validation may end up being the tipping point
Nah. Maybe you should read the next post. I am so glad to finally meet an expert on my own life. Here I was living it myself, unknowing that someone was out there that could tell me exactly how my life is! He was supportive of me writing these posts.
From the way you write, especially the lack of personal accountability, it’s odds on you’ve cheated on him at least once since and will do again in the future
While I do hate a cheater, I admit I am riveted. You write well. Very evocative.
You do come off as a child though. Like, what red-pill guys mean when they say women are slaves to their emotions. There is definitely a spectrum to that, and you are on the far end of it.
Still and all, keep it up. I hope you are doing OK and look forward to the next installment
Thank you for reading. I was 100% a slave to my emotions. Combined with drugs, alcohol and untreated mental health, It was a storm consuming me. When it all started, I was 23 so I felt like a kid and thought like one. My marriage was only my second relationship. First from age 17-22, then married at 23. I’m really happy that you’ll give the final installment a read.
Appreciate you writing about this topic. I’d like to write about similarly-risky topics but I’m too afraid of hurting or embarrassing people. I think that’s why so few of these types of stories exist.
Thank you for reading. I never thought I pour it out like this either, but it made me feel so proud of how far I've come and maybe it could help someone else. I am 10 years sober from bad boys.
In what way do you think it could help someone else? Reading all the pieces (4 I think so far) on this, I haven’t noticed you advising anyone to not go down this path. As someone commented above, there’s an air of romantisation of the whole thing and pride about having gone past it. (One can draw the lesson that you need to go through sth like this in order to experience pride that comes at the other end, but that doesn’t factor in the destruction wreaked along the way). So I’m honestly curious how you envision this helping.
I do not believe in giving blanket advice or applying my situation to others. There is absolutely no situation that is the same. I feel that just knowing you are not alone can be helpful if you are torn in some way. I wish I would have known someone who had experienced this when I was going through it. Maybe it gives someone hope that their relationship can work out after an affair. I have actually received multiple DMs saying they were helped by my story or inspired to write their own story. I would agree there is an air of romanticism. That's how it felt. Our hearts can be drawn to people that our brains tell us to avoid. As I eluded to, there were a number of factors that lead me to make certain decisions. I really appreciate that you read the pieces before rushing to judgement. Your questions are valid and provoked more thoughts on the topic.
Yea I get that but there is blanket advice like “if you’re not down the path of breaking vows, don’t do it as it’s not good” or some such. There are still right and wrongs in life although there’s a lot of grey. But that’s just me.
Your relationship hasn't "worked out" - it's clear that you've learned nothing and your husband is on borrowed time until he wishes up to the true depths of your narcissism or you decide to blow his life up again
If you're a true narcissist like the author, then don't hesitate to write about it. After all every person that you hurt, and will further hurt, are mere props in the grand narrative of your life.
This story is VERY familiar to me, except mine was an above-board "affair" that my husband knew about from the start (open relationship). I remember the exquisite pain of just SEEING a place we had been to together. I remember the need to just get a whole new life, and the hours and days of mourning. Please do one more story to tell us how you proceeded!!
The emotional divide is hard after a while. Locations really "trigger" me and avoidance is best. I guess for that one year my husband didn't live with me was basically an open relationship. I have the next one about 85% drafted. I am so proud of how far I've come and lucky to have a husband that could look beyond himself, even as an innocent victim. Thank you for reading! I appreciate the support.
This one was especially evocative. The way you described how it felt to not be able to end it, your feelings for Jay, all of that was so heart-wrenching. <3
This one was super hard but also, it was such a pivot in my life that I see how those decisions lead to where I am now. I’m excited to put out the final wrap up and to fully 100% move on. Hopefully back to funnier things from my draft “too horrible for notes”
Thank you so much for reading. This comment really struck me, especially “all three of you deserve freedom”. You’re right. I was keeping them prisoners. I did fully let Jay go. He’s happily married. I would have also let my husband go, but he wanted to fight to keep me. Fight to keep our marriage. It worked out in this case but your comment really made me think. I wish I could have known that at the time.
This is a deeply human story—one that speaks to the quiet, often unconscious battles we fight within ourselves when it comes to love, self-worth, and the narratives we unknowingly carry.
At its core, this was never about Jay versus your husband. It was never about choosing between two men. It was about the battle within yourself —the conflict between the part of you that longed for stability, commitment, and genuine love, and the part of you that deeply believed you weren’t worthy of it. When we don’t feel worthy of something good, we will either push it away or sabotage it. And if we grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable, conditional, or even painful, our nervous system will crave chaos over peace because chaos is what feels familiar.
Your husband loved you. He showed up for you despite the betrayal, the heartbreak, and the uncertainty. And yet, love alone wasn’t enough because your subconscious was still wired to seek proof that you were unworthy, that you were not enough to be loved in a safe and secure way, that you needed to test love to believe it was real. The moment your husband left, the illusion shattered. Jay wasn’t the answer. His love couldn’t fix the void, and neither could the thrill, the longing, nor the deep connection you shared.
The real question isn’t why you stayed in the affair for so long. The real question is: What wound were you trying to heal through Jay?
• Was it the need to feel desired because deep down, you believed you weren’t lovable just as you were?
• Was it the fear of commitment stemming from an inner belief that you would never be enough for one person forever?
• Was it the chase—the longing, the forbidden nature of it—that made you feel alive in a way you had never known?
• Or was it that, deep down, you feared that if you fully accepted love, if you truly let it in, it would one day abandon you—so you controlled the narrative by pushing it away first?
Your greatest moment of clarity came not from Jay, not from your husband, but from yourself. The moment you recognized that Jay’s world—though intoxicating and deeply emotional—wasn’t what you truly wanted. The moment you realized that the love you thought you were chasing was never actually outside of you.
The work was never about choosing the “right” man. The work was about healing the part of you that ever believed you weren’t worthy of the kind of love that feels safe, steady, and enough. The kind of love that doesn’t require longing, suffering, or proving. Because the deepest truth is this:
When you heal your self-worth, you stop mistaking longing for love. You stop chasing what doesn’t serve you. And you finally allow yourself to receive the love that was meant for you all along.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I relate to the subconscious programming my child self created and the patterns of conflict within—for so long.
I’m praying this is the work you did and are ending this beautifully written memoir with a glimpse of the healed woman you have become. Because you are a beautiful and lovable and worthy woman who deserves to never have to earn love. I hope you’re loving yourself fiercely these days and the love you receive from others is just icing on the cake. 🫶
I hope you saw my apology. I’m deleting this comment. Sorry Kerry I think you are very brave. Kudos on your riveting pieces. Best wishes I hope I’m not blocked and you see this. I was being a sarcastic jerk. I admire your writing.
Bluntly, this comes across as you still romanticizing your affair and the feeling of being fought over. You come across as lacking even basic self-awareness.
I think your husband was incredibly stupid to take you back. You (present and past) come across as the bad guy here. Even the way you tell it (unavoidably subject to all the universal human biases of recall and self-image), you only left because Jay wasn't the way you wanted him to be. Your husband served as basically the backup and got the sloppy seconds of his own wife.
I have literally zero sympathy for you in this story over the fact that you went through a breakup, because the dude you broke up with was the dude you were cheating on your husband with and said husband was literally dealing with the fallout of your affair at the time.
It is impossible for me to judge your current relationship or your husband's character over this, but it seems like he let his possessiveness get in the way of his common sense.
I am the bad guy here. I don’t deserve any sympathy. I absolutely put my husband in the role of backup. I had no idea what I wanted and I just went everywhere trying to find it. Young, dumb, immature and fucked up on drugs. My next and final post addresses more points you made in this comment, but I understand if you’re not interested in hearing anymore. Thank you for reading and for allowing me to own my mistakes.
I'm curious to see what specific parts here are you "owning your mistakes"??
Well I told the story and I owned it. I didn't make a ton of excuses. I made mistakes and the only people that need me to own up to the details are my husband and our families.
Yeah it's classic narcissism, pure and simple.
Husband was absolutely insane to take her back
Was he insane? Fortunately, hindsight on this is it was the right decision for him to take me back since we've been extremely happily married now for 10 years.
Yes he was totally insane, he's married to a narcissist whose biggest concern about spending literal years deeply betraying and lying to him apart was apparently not that she tore his heart apart but rather that her mother in law might think less of her because he had the temerity to tell her what you'd done.
It's only a matter of time before a) you blow his life up again; or b) he comes to his sense and realises he doesn't have to swallow the deep unhappiness for the rest of his life.
I suspect (and hope for his sake) that the pain he’ll be feeling from seeing your total contempt and disregard for him aired in public for your own personal validation may end up being the tipping point
Nah. Maybe you should read the next post. I am so glad to finally meet an expert on my own life. Here I was living it myself, unknowing that someone was out there that could tell me exactly how my life is! He was supportive of me writing these posts.
From the way you write, especially the lack of personal accountability, it’s odds on you’ve cheated on him at least once since and will do again in the future
While I do hate a cheater, I admit I am riveted. You write well. Very evocative.
You do come off as a child though. Like, what red-pill guys mean when they say women are slaves to their emotions. There is definitely a spectrum to that, and you are on the far end of it.
Still and all, keep it up. I hope you are doing OK and look forward to the next installment
Thank you for reading. I was 100% a slave to my emotions. Combined with drugs, alcohol and untreated mental health, It was a storm consuming me. When it all started, I was 23 so I felt like a kid and thought like one. My marriage was only my second relationship. First from age 17-22, then married at 23. I’m really happy that you’ll give the final installment a read.
Appreciate you writing about this topic. I’d like to write about similarly-risky topics but I’m too afraid of hurting or embarrassing people. I think that’s why so few of these types of stories exist.
Thank you for reading. I never thought I pour it out like this either, but it made me feel so proud of how far I've come and maybe it could help someone else. I am 10 years sober from bad boys.
I am also sober from bad boys. Best detox of my life.
In what way do you think it could help someone else? Reading all the pieces (4 I think so far) on this, I haven’t noticed you advising anyone to not go down this path. As someone commented above, there’s an air of romantisation of the whole thing and pride about having gone past it. (One can draw the lesson that you need to go through sth like this in order to experience pride that comes at the other end, but that doesn’t factor in the destruction wreaked along the way). So I’m honestly curious how you envision this helping.
I do not believe in giving blanket advice or applying my situation to others. There is absolutely no situation that is the same. I feel that just knowing you are not alone can be helpful if you are torn in some way. I wish I would have known someone who had experienced this when I was going through it. Maybe it gives someone hope that their relationship can work out after an affair. I have actually received multiple DMs saying they were helped by my story or inspired to write their own story. I would agree there is an air of romanticism. That's how it felt. Our hearts can be drawn to people that our brains tell us to avoid. As I eluded to, there were a number of factors that lead me to make certain decisions. I really appreciate that you read the pieces before rushing to judgement. Your questions are valid and provoked more thoughts on the topic.
Yea I get that but there is blanket advice like “if you’re not down the path of breaking vows, don’t do it as it’s not good” or some such. There are still right and wrongs in life although there’s a lot of grey. But that’s just me.
Your relationship hasn't "worked out" - it's clear that you've learned nothing and your husband is on borrowed time until he wishes up to the true depths of your narcissism or you decide to blow his life up again
If you're a true narcissist like the author, then don't hesitate to write about it. After all every person that you hurt, and will further hurt, are mere props in the grand narrative of your life.
Clearly you have been hurt by someone you believe to be a narcissist. I am living a happy life and I hope you can too.
This story is VERY familiar to me, except mine was an above-board "affair" that my husband knew about from the start (open relationship). I remember the exquisite pain of just SEEING a place we had been to together. I remember the need to just get a whole new life, and the hours and days of mourning. Please do one more story to tell us how you proceeded!!
The emotional divide is hard after a while. Locations really "trigger" me and avoidance is best. I guess for that one year my husband didn't live with me was basically an open relationship. I have the next one about 85% drafted. I am so proud of how far I've come and lucky to have a husband that could look beyond himself, even as an innocent victim. Thank you for reading! I appreciate the support.
Can't wait to read!
This one was especially evocative. The way you described how it felt to not be able to end it, your feelings for Jay, all of that was so heart-wrenching. <3
This one was super hard but also, it was such a pivot in my life that I see how those decisions lead to where I am now. I’m excited to put out the final wrap up and to fully 100% move on. Hopefully back to funnier things from my draft “too horrible for notes”
I’m so fully drawn into the story, I feel like a voyeur. Another great chapter.
I appreciate that! I’m happy to have the support. It’s funny that a couple hundred people know about this but not my closest friends or family.
Kerry
you should live free.
No reason to put either man in prison, either.
As I see it, Jay is on probation, still not free,
husband is serving a harsh sentence, maybe for life
you are as free as a jail keeper who messed up with prisoners, not really.
All three of you deserve freedom.
Free your prisoners,
free yourself, Kerry
Thank you so much for reading. This comment really struck me, especially “all three of you deserve freedom”. You’re right. I was keeping them prisoners. I did fully let Jay go. He’s happily married. I would have also let my husband go, but he wanted to fight to keep me. Fight to keep our marriage. It worked out in this case but your comment really made me think. I wish I could have known that at the time.
So interesting to hear from the other side. Usually only hear from the spouse who was cheated on
Thank you for reading. That was one reason I wanted to tell the story and also as a woman who was unfaithful vs a male.
Whore
Powerful writing! This one definitely evokes emotions (and not good ones). Very brave!
…whoosh…that’s all i got this round…whoosh…
This is a deeply human story—one that speaks to the quiet, often unconscious battles we fight within ourselves when it comes to love, self-worth, and the narratives we unknowingly carry.
At its core, this was never about Jay versus your husband. It was never about choosing between two men. It was about the battle within yourself —the conflict between the part of you that longed for stability, commitment, and genuine love, and the part of you that deeply believed you weren’t worthy of it. When we don’t feel worthy of something good, we will either push it away or sabotage it. And if we grew up in an environment where love was unpredictable, conditional, or even painful, our nervous system will crave chaos over peace because chaos is what feels familiar.
Your husband loved you. He showed up for you despite the betrayal, the heartbreak, and the uncertainty. And yet, love alone wasn’t enough because your subconscious was still wired to seek proof that you were unworthy, that you were not enough to be loved in a safe and secure way, that you needed to test love to believe it was real. The moment your husband left, the illusion shattered. Jay wasn’t the answer. His love couldn’t fix the void, and neither could the thrill, the longing, nor the deep connection you shared.
The real question isn’t why you stayed in the affair for so long. The real question is: What wound were you trying to heal through Jay?
• Was it the need to feel desired because deep down, you believed you weren’t lovable just as you were?
• Was it the fear of commitment stemming from an inner belief that you would never be enough for one person forever?
• Was it the chase—the longing, the forbidden nature of it—that made you feel alive in a way you had never known?
• Or was it that, deep down, you feared that if you fully accepted love, if you truly let it in, it would one day abandon you—so you controlled the narrative by pushing it away first?
Your greatest moment of clarity came not from Jay, not from your husband, but from yourself. The moment you recognized that Jay’s world—though intoxicating and deeply emotional—wasn’t what you truly wanted. The moment you realized that the love you thought you were chasing was never actually outside of you.
The work was never about choosing the “right” man. The work was about healing the part of you that ever believed you weren’t worthy of the kind of love that feels safe, steady, and enough. The kind of love that doesn’t require longing, suffering, or proving. Because the deepest truth is this:
When you heal your self-worth, you stop mistaking longing for love. You stop chasing what doesn’t serve you. And you finally allow yourself to receive the love that was meant for you all along.
Thank you for sharing this with us. I relate to the subconscious programming my child self created and the patterns of conflict within—for so long.
I’m praying this is the work you did and are ending this beautifully written memoir with a glimpse of the healed woman you have become. Because you are a beautiful and lovable and worthy woman who deserves to never have to earn love. I hope you’re loving yourself fiercely these days and the love you receive from others is just icing on the cake. 🫶
"I knew he had told his parents. He couldn’t hold it in any longer either. That was my biggest fear…I loved his mom so much."
This is the biggest and reddest of red flags. The husband is a mere bit part in the grand play of narcissist.
Dude, run. Just run as far away as you can
it's all been such a gut punch to read, so beautiful, and raw <3
proud as fuck of you buddy :)
You nailed it. Thank you. But I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.
I hope you saw my apology. I’m deleting this comment. Sorry Kerry I think you are very brave. Kudos on your riveting pieces. Best wishes I hope I’m not blocked and you see this. I was being a sarcastic jerk. I admire your writing.
Thanks Brian! No hard feelings. I appreciate your kind words.