End of an Affair

It was finally over

This is another part of my series about the affair I had. Other related posts: Soulmates Weren’t Enough. My 24^th Birthday with him: Sambuca and Cocaine, Our first date: Breaking and Entering. Logistics of an Affair. Reading these is NOT needed to understand this post

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Jay loved me. He wanted to be with me. He would have committed fully to me and only me. He already had. But one thing he wouldn’t do is give me an ultimatum to divorce. He expressed how much he wanted to be with me, but always said if we had any chance of making it, we could not start with an affair and an ultimatum.

I was hurting him so much. It got to the point where every time I left his house, we both cried for 15 minutes together. I’d cry the whole 30 minute drive home, trying to hide the tears when I went inside. Neither of us could live like that.

I was stuck. I couldn’t possibly end my affair to someone I loved so deeply. Someone that I craved daily. Someone that wanted me. I couldn’t get divorced. That seemed so shameful. I was younger than my husband and it would have been a huge “I told you so” from his family. I was dying on the inside. The lies came so easy at first, but after a while, each one I told scarred me like internal shrapnel breaking off my heart as it came out of my mouth. I wanted to tell my husband, but I also wanted to clean it up myself before he ever knew.

How I felt most of the time. Image by rapper Cal Scruby.

After about 2 years, he did begin to suspect something…I was good at keeping my phone secure, deleting messages, having locations turned off etc. My husband and I didn’t share a phone plan or a bank account. But eventually, I slipped or wanted to get caught. I don’t remember the exact details because I was “caught” and “caught again” several times. I am sure he probably got a hold of my phone and found all he needed to know. I am sure I promised my husband I would end it. I am sure it was another lie.

My husband knew forcing me to do anything would not end well. Being pushed is what causes me to run. I am like a feral cat in that way. If he gave me an ultimatum to cut it off instantly or divorce, it wouldn’t work. I am really not the ultimatum type and both of these men in my life knew that.

My husband did something very out of character for him. He was fully aware Jay and I were still communicating and seeing each other, even after I told my husband I was trying to end it. He had Jay’s phone number and knew exactly how to destroy him. He texted Jay. My husband said something like: “You are a low-life. You have no business with my wife. I know she has said she loves you, but in the end, she comes home to me and that isn’t going to change. I am not going anywhere. Fuck off and stay out of our lives”. He also sent a picture…a selfie…of my head on his chest asleep and him giving the middle finger.

I had absolutely no idea this happened until Jay told me the next day and showed me the message. Initially, part of him was cocky, ready to start the competition of who could win me, like “look at this loser”. But a bigger part of him was devastated to see me in such a loving position. A position I had been in with him maybe the day before. I could see it in his eyes. He gave me the “how could you” look.

When my husband first discovered something, I had to admit to something. I tried to play it off that this was just a guy I had slept with a couple times, but I wasn’t sure what exactly he knew. Obviously this was tough to take, but not as tough as I fell madly in love, call him my soulmate and have the best sex of my entire life. We started to work through things, but I just couldn’t end things with Jay and I continued with him like I had been. During this time, my husband was gathering evidence. He had been finding little clues, but not talking to me about them.

Then he caught me, dead to rights. No excuses, no alibi. He went to Jay’s house at a time I said I was at work and he saw my truck there. I was done. There was no lie that could explain that. My husband didn’t go to the door, or confront him or confront me. He simply sent me a picture of my truck outside his house and said he would not be home when I got home.

My husband said he needed space and he needed to give me space to figure this out. He moved out and back to his parents’ house. I knew he had told his parents. He couldn’t hold it in any longer either. That was my biggest fear…I loved his mom so much. She loved me and I had hurt her. She was one of the few people that believed in our marriage. I was 23, he was 30. He admits and still does that he out punted his coverage, i.e. I am out of his league in his opinion, not mine. He was accustomed to me getting male attention, even hit on in front of him. His mom had faith in me and I shit all over that. She’s always been able to see the good in me. Maybe more than my own family.

Immediately after getting married. I panicked. Was this what it was? Am I “stuck” here forever? I feel like part of me was rebelling and testing my husband. Did he love me? Would he stay with me? Did I deserve love? Was I even capable of being someone’s partner?

Over the next year, my husband lived at his parents. We still saw each other. He’d come over a few nights a week and hang out. I tried to see Jay less, but I basically continued the same schedule and habits. After my husband moved out, I had more freedom and just enough rope to hang myself. I really started to see what my life would look like if I were with Jay. He worked overnights. I realized if we were an actual couple, we’d never see each other. If I got a 9-5, Mon-Fri job, I’d see him maybe 2 hours a day before he worked, if he wasn’t running around selling drugs. I’d be sleeping alone every night.

I was getting increasing uncomfortable with the activities that were taking place at his house and his “open door” policy. Drugs were one thing, but a gang member cooking crack in his kitchen was something else. Jay had never used crack or sold crack, but he was fine if his friends wanted to. Jay cared about people and he was always trying to help those going through a rough time. His “friends” were taking advantage of him. These weren’t the guys I had come to know. These were friends of friends or cousins of friends. He has a kind heart and it pissed me off that these guys would use him like that. When these same “friends” started storing handguns at his house, I lost it. I made it clear that I was not OK with that. This isn’t who Jay was. It was like my second home and I was not safe there. This is not a life I could picture for myself any longer.

I knew I couldn’t break it off and stay in the neighborhood. Every street and corner held a memory. Every restaurant we had eaten in, I can remember the conversations we had. Every trail we had hiked, every sidewalk we had strolled. I had to make a big change to remove myself completely from the environment. I started to look and apply for jobs closer to my house. I loved the dog walking business, but veterinary care was burning me out.

Once I started applying for jobs, Jay understood the reasoning behind it. If we no longer had the proximity and schedules, we wouldn’t be able to see each other. After my interview for the job I ended up getting, he and I had lunch at a fancy Italian restaurant we’d go to every so often. I told him over lunch that I was pretty sure I would get the job. The writing was on the wall. I distanced myself for a couple weeks. I was miraculously okay with this as I focused on stabilizing my life. After those two weeks, we couldn’t resist and started back up again, but we knew it was the final road that would lead to the end of the affair.

Jay came to my house and we had one final conversation lasting over 3 hours. I have not cried that much before or since. After Jay left, I called my husband. I told him it was over. Actually over. Months of back and forth were over. I was starting my new job and Jay would let me go.

The final post, “A Marriage from Ashes” will be out soon. Thank you for reading.