Trapped in a Limo

when hell froze over

Let me set the scene for you.

On December 21st, 2022, the Twin Cities metro received 8 inches of snow in less than 24 hours. This broke the record for daily snow fall for that date that was set back in 1920. The volume of snow was a lot for the time frame, but not exactly unheard of. What made this even more challenging were the blizzard like conditions. Strong, unrelenting wind blew the snow everywhere. Plows were out but within an hour of the road being cleared, it would be covered in snow again from the wind. The wind caused snow drifts on side streets, making travel nearly impossible.

There were 141 car crashes and a 150 vehicle spin outs in a six hour period.

By December 22nd, the HIGH temperature was -11 degrees Fahrenheit. The HIGH…The windchill made the air “feel like” -30 degrees. That’s right, -30. And they were predicting “ground blizzards” . It was heavily advised not to travel.

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OK the scene is set and it is now the next day, Dec 22nd.

Every Christmas my sister in-law (my husband’s sister) gifts the immediate family some sort of event or experience. In the past, we have done things like brunch and seeing the new Star Wars movie, bowling, pickleball tournament, sibling fancy steak dinner, a mock family feud game show, and Top Golf¹, to name a few. I love this idea because we usually have fun and I do not need any more stuff. I hate this idea because she keeps the “event” a secret until you arrive. She always wants it to be a surprise. That’s great and all, but surprises are for kids, not adults with OCD that plan every minute of everyday in an attempt to control anxiety and irrational thoughts.

While the blizzards raged on 12/21, we knew we had the “event” the next day. I did not want to drive anywhere and I still had no idea what we were doing. One of my biggest anxieties with surprises is not knowing how to dress. Is it fancy? Do I need comfortable shoes? Do I need to dress for -30 degree weather? And many more questions. The evening was supposed to start by watching a nephew’s high school basketball game. The game and school were canceled. The next instructions were to meet at a pizza place for dinner and there would be an “event” following that.

Let me remind you, the national weather service and all other media is saying “DO NOT TRAVEL” and “life threatening travel conditions”. I finally just texted her directly and asked what are we doing. She wouldn’t tell me. I begged her to tell me something about what I should wear. She said to “dress warm enough to be outside for short periods of time”…Dress warm enough for -30 degrees? I better dress warm enough to walk my ass a few miles once our car goes into a ditch.

We arrived at the pizza place; late of course since it was furthest from our house and I was waiting for the last possible second in case by some miracle this was canceled. After eating, we are ushered outside. Sitting in front of the pizza place is a stretch limo. We would all be taking this limo around the metro area to look at Christmas lights. For the next 3 hours. WHAT? So the roads are complete shit, the weather is complete shit, but yes, lets drive around in the worst vehicle ever made for snow.

This is identical to the interior of the limo.

The limo seats 18. We are a family of 17. I am guessing those are 18 regular sized people. This family is not regular sized. The two ten-year-olds were the youngest and way taller than average for their ages. The remainder are adults and were an average weight 230 pounds and an average height 6’2”. We were all wearing heavy coats and big boots. In addition to the people, they brought a large basket full of “gifts” to play the dice game and a cooler with drinks which took up any spare space on the floor.

Even before entering the limo, I was starting to panic. I get pretty claustrophobic. I had three layers of clothing on since I thought we were going to be outside which is making me even more anxious as it bunches up between my legs and armpits. I was anxious to be on the roads, especially given the fact I totaled by truck the winter before on ice.

I pulled at my jacket and took a couple deep breathes. I entered the limo last, hoping to sit as close to the door as possible. We are seated in the limo facing each other. There is no room for anyone’s legs. Our legs are zippered together. My knee was just inches from my father in-laws crotch as a tried to turn sideways for a little more leg room. The cooler was in the way. The interior looks like it is filled with smoke as we see the condensation from our breathing.

The limo smelled like a wet dog mixed with cheap pine tree air fresheners. There was no heat in the limo. Our body heat was enough, but the windows were frosted over with quarter inch thick ice. The windows were behind our heads and were less than a foot tall. We were packed in there like sardines, barely able to turn to look behind us. Only a couple people could turn at a time per side. We set out to drive from the north metro across the Twin Cities to the south east metro.

Once on the highway, the driving felt OK, but once we exited and got into the fancy McMansion neighborhood, the navigation became much more difficult. They had a series of addresses that were displaying lights synchronized to music through computer-controlled programming and songs broadcast over an FM frequency. The idea was that we would play that radio station and drive around to see the coordinated light show at various addresses.

I am not sure if it was because it was cold or because no one had ever requested to listen to the FM radio in the limo, but the speakers were cracking and cutting in and out. Several speakers weren’t working at all. It took forever for the driver to even tune in the station and get the speakers going in the back. Even if the radio was working perfectly, seeing the lights was nearly impossible.

Everyone was scrapping the thick frost off the tiny windows with credit cards, but not at the same time since only a couple people could rotate their torsos at a time. They could clear about a four square inch viewing hole that would last about 30 seconds before freezing over again. The tops if the seats were getting pretty wet from the frost landing on them.

I tried to take deep breaths and not think about being crushed under the weight of my husky family. I was finally able to get my coat off with some help in hopes my chest would not be as tight. My clothes were acting as a boa constrictor, tightening around my chest and squeezing every breath of air from my lungs. My body was touching four other people. I felt completely trapped as visions of being crushed and stuck played continuously through by head. My back and neck hurt from having the slouch and my legs are becoming insanely restless because I have not been able to straighten my knees. Everyone’s voices were muffled and the radio cracking feels like a knife in my ear drum.

At this point, I was trying not to scream. I wondered if I could just get out and call an uber. I knew there was no way in hell I could tolerate this for another hour. I felt the limo trying to turn and I could feel the wheels stuck in a rut. I got a little glimpse outside and realized we were stuck in the snow in a cul-de-sac.

We were moving about a foot forward and a foot back and we tried to get unstuck from the snow. I started to think we’d all need to get out and push, but I am not sure that physics would allow us to push a stretch limo out of a snow drift. After about ten minutes of that, we finally got unstuck. It was concluded that we should leave this neighborhood for a more open and plowed area.

As we navigated our way back to the highways, my nephew declared he had to go to the bathroom and we needed to stop somewhere. I have never loved that kid more. We stopped at a gas station and I immediately threw myself out of that limo. The driver was pissed I had not waited for him to open the door. I couldn’t wait.

I walked around the parking lot and waited inside for the bathroom. Deep breathes and counting slowly to myself. Saying out loud “Kerry you can do this. This will not break you. They will not break you.” I wanted to get a ride home from there. I contemplated how much of a scene it would make with my in-laws. One thing to know about this large Catholic family is that mental illness does not exist in their family. Weird right?

No one has ever been depressed or struggled with any anxiety. Everyone was smart and successful and perfect. Their kids were all smart and successful and perfect. To be the one broken person felt so lonely. They would see this behavior as an exaggeration, as me being a brat, as me being unable to conform to the family. To them, a panic attack is just being weak and over reacting.

Because of their willful ignorance related to mental health, I have always tried my best to hide my true self. I have always tried to be normal, to be the person that can “go with the flow”. As we loaded back into the limo, it was clear everyone else also thought this was a bust. We decided to head back home. Without that ten minute break at the gas station, I would not have made it.

This was the last time I will ever participate in a surprise. I don’t care if I appear difficult. They will never understand why and they do not have to. They will never relate to panic. This was the last time I will ever be in a limo and now I can add limo PTSD to my list of conditions.

1. Top Golf was also a bit controversial as we went in the middle of January. Lucky for us, the high was 35 degrees so plenty warm enough for outdoor golf…